My Judgement

Judgement.  I have noticed this recently in myself.  And it leaves a darkness in my heart and a cloud over my spirit.  Judgements like, “Those back-up singers sound bad”, “We were told to bring cotton blankets, yours are fleece” and “You would get better if you moved into an assisted living community”, when I know that Mom wishes to stay in her home.

Why do I judge others?  I know the answer – it is as clear as the ten pounds of gained weight that I see on my body.  Because I judge myself for gaining those ten pounds too.  But those ten pounds are just the result of a much deeper judgement of myself.  And eating junk food to try to change the way I feel is just a symptom.  My judgement is rooted deep in my past.  My judgement started in my teen years.

My judgement began as shame.  Shame from a series of events that happened to me that I was told were my fault including parental abandonment and teenage sexual abuse by a trusted family friend twice my age.  My shame came from burying secrets so deep in my heart that I repressed the memories of the three years of abuse and emotional manipulation.  Until I got sober and began therapy six years ago.

That was just the beginning of a new kind of pain and suffering that has lasted six long years.  The pain of healing and recovery, because I was no longer covering up my deep feelings with alcohol.  The darkness of my past led to new crises called self-judgement and self-pity.  Why am I an alcoholic?  Why am I a victim of sexual abuse?  Why is my life the complete opposite of what it was supposed to be?  Why do I sometimes see my life as a failure?

But…maybe there is a silver lining in my box full of darkness.  Maybe the crises of my past and present have led to a new form of identity.  Maybe my willingness to get sober and heal the wounds from my past are a conduit to a transformation of my spirit.  Maybe the willingness to get help from other alcoholics through a 12-step program allows me to uncover my character defects.  Defects that are simply morphed mechanisms that I used to cope with the unbelievable shame and pain that my abuse caused, but that no longer serve me.  Maybe the courage to face the suffering I endure today is helping to develop tools that I can share with other survivors of sexual abuse. 

And maybe my deep wounds and willingness to heal them have led me much closer to my Higher Power, which has allowed me to feel the Divine within me.  The Divine that exists within all of us.  Seeking help from my Higher Power has awakened my Spirit, which was the catalyst that I needed to be able to let my past go.  And only after that letting go can I forgive myself, and gain the willingness to forgive my abuser.  Only after I learn how to love myself can I learn to love and forgive others.  And not find judgment in anyone, especially myself.  And believe me, it is a life-long process.  Only after my cup of love is overflowing can I take that extra love and happily give it to others.  Only then can I share my suffering and healing with my fellow survivors, which I believe is my life purpose.  And I am currently working on book #2.

So, maybe my brokenness has led to an awakening of my authentic self.  They are the cracks that have allowed the light to enter and bathe my heart in Divine Love.  The sunlight of the spirit that has pushed those dark clouds aside and allow clarity to shine.  I heard a song today by Laura Story whose lyrics inspired this blog.

"Blessings" by Laura Story

We pray for blessings, we pray for peace
Comfort for family, protection while we sleep
We pray for healing, for prosperity
We pray for Your mighty hand to ease our suffering
And all the while, You hear each spoken need
Yet love us way too much to give us lesser things

'Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know You're near
What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise

We pray for wisdom, Your voice to hear
We cry in anger when we cannot feel You near
We doubt Your goodness, we doubt Your love
As if every promise from Your word is not enough
And all the while, You hear each desperate plea
And long that we'd have faith to believe

'Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know You're near
What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise

When friends betray us
When darkness seems to win
We know the pain reminds this heart
That this is not
This is not our home
It's not our home

What if my greatest disappointments or the aching of this life
Is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can't satisfy
And what if trials of this life-
The rain, the storms, the hardest nights
Are Your mercies in disguise