Blog 2August 9, 2017
I wrote the following journal entry and essay as a twenty-seven-year-old while traveling in Europe with a man. It baffles me that I was so wise about my own emotional growth, yet was never able to live by my words. I just kept shoving my emotions down into my dungeon. Enjoy:Athens, Greece. I am sitting on a ruin wall on top of the Acropolis. I must write. I am getting to know myself more and more every day, and so much of it I do not like. My emotions get so strong, and I cannot control them a lot of the time. So I cry. And then I get angry with myself for crying, and I cry more.
What is important is that I love myself. Yes, there are things about me that I will try to change. To grow emotionally. But I refuse to be a different person for anyone. I should not have to. I want to enjoy the rest of my trip without all of these emotions in my head. How can I push these emotions out of me? They are a part of me. Part of the person I love, but I do not love them because they make me feel sad and many times angry. But on the other hand, maybe it is those same pools of emotions that allow me to love people, places, the sunshine, flowers, animals, all the wonderful things that God has given to us. Geez, I am crying again. I have an emotional pool bigger than anyone I have ever met. God, I cannot push them away. The good ones or the bad. I must love every part of me. All of me. Even the bad emotions. And deal with them as best I can. When I am in times of hurt, maybe if I write, it will go away. To go all the way through it. Let it live its course. Get in touch with it, know it and try to understand it instead of pushing it away.
Okay, so why is it so important to me that Diego want me? Because I love him and want him? If so, then the solution is to not want him. But there again, I can’t change the way I feel. I can’t push the good feelings out any more than I can the bad ones. Maybe there is no answer. Maybe analyzing is the wrong thing to do. I have gone full circle, and still want to cry. So, write something else.
In learning and discovering and analyzing my own feelings, and hence, my own mind, I realize how little I know myself after twenty-six years of life. I picture that my mind is like the Earth, and if you travel from land mass to land mass, you learn more. But most of the time, you stay in one spot and live day to day. Not traveling. Not learning. So like a traveler in Europe, I am being a traveler of my mind. But there is too much to see in one lifetime. So, I will possibly and probably never learn all there is to know about my inner self.
So with that knowledge, the hardest thing in the world must be to get to know and love and be with another mind (and Earth) for a long period of time. It is like trying to make two Earths live in harmony. Sometimes we sing and sometimes we make war. Because, after all, that other Earth-mind is traveling and discovering his own Earth-mind. And we are four billion Earths! [Of course, now we are seven!]
Wednesday, November 17, 1993
Geneva, Switzerland. Walked and shopped all day. It is pretty cold here, almost 1°C. Listened to lots of music, went to a Thai restaurant, but they did not serve Thai food. Bought salad fixins for dinner and ate them with rice at Diego's apt. Had a dry red with dinner. Diego gives me his bedroom while I am here, and he sleeps on the couch in the living room. His mother has a bed in there. I wanted to ask Diego so bad how he felt about making love in his room when his mother is home, but I was just too scared. I was sure he wanted it when he said, “Let’s go to your room.” We listened to more music and looked at books. Then he said he wanted to go to sleep. I am fairly certain that he saw the disappointment on my face, but I said nothing. He kissed me good night and left.
I am unsure of my feelings, and confused. And, I am more unsure of his feelings. If I know that he is not the “one” for me, so why do I want him? My sexual appetite surprises me. I even got jealous when he introduced me to his friend, Maria, today. Grow up, Della. Diego is your friend. Sometimes--no, all the time--I wonder if he is growing tired of my company. My self-esteem has always been so low. Why?
I told him once, “in many ways we are alike, but in some ways, you are more like I want to be. I worry too much about everything. You are so care-free. Can you change yourself without changing yourself?” He had no answer. Why do I feel like I have to be loved by everyone? Why is it so important that he like me? I used to think from his post cards that he sent to me in Texas that he was in love with me. Now I know, he is just a wonderful person who can share his feelings on paper. But not verbally. I told him once that sex would inevitably bring us closer. It did. I told him this also, that I love him more now than I ever have. He said nothing. My feelings may be back-firing. He cuts me down a lot more lately, “Come on, think” and “I know more about your country than you do” and “I told you…” What is happening? Fight back!
Don’t worry, be happy. Try not to lean on him.
Nobody promised life would be easy. Grab a cup of coffee, and we'll share the trials, tribulations and triumphs. Life's a little easier when you realize that others have gone before you.