March 1, 2019
Talking with my friend, Eileen about February 28 entry “Vicious Voice”.
“Beautiful”, she says, “The Lord is doing his work with you.” Huh?
My entry is about my awareness of my hatred and resentment towards Fred, my abuser. And we all know that resentment is like drinking poison and waiting for the resented to suffer. But he won’t suffer. I will.
The first step is bringing it into the light. That is why she said my entry is beautiful. I wrote that I HATE Fred.
God has given me awareness. So that All may be One. That is the solution.
The next step is talking with someone about it.
She said that I am redirecting my hatred towards Fred . . . to me!
Shining that hatred to him is shining it back to me. That is my Vicious Voice.
It is discernment of Spirit.
By holding on to hatred for Fred, I am poisoning myself. By judging him, I am judging myself. If I hate Fred, then I hate myself.
I cannot control hate. I cannot control fear, blame or shame. But I CAN control resentment. And my resentments are not contributing to the solution.
And I CANNOT be completely happy, joyous and free until I forgive Fred.
But that is so hard! And I can say it, “I forgive you Fred”, but I don’t mean it.
As a teen, Fred was kind to me. He told me that I was special. He told me that he loved me.
But it was NEVER love. It was never a loving thing.
I wrote in my book that if Fred had loved me, then he never would have laid one finger on me. And that is true.
The entire purpose of our relationship was for him to abuse me. That was his sexual addiction.
And now I am in pain. 35 years later.
“Pain is the mercy of God.”, Eileen said. “It is not punishment. Pain is the path to God. Pleasure from addiction is punishment. Everyone is suffering from the pains of growing up.”
Eileen says deciding to forgive Fred is forgiving.
Pray for God to help me forgive him. Ask God to help me. Do it over and over.
Justified anger is still wrong. It is wrong to blame history for how I am now. It is not forgiving. It harms me, and my family. Not loving my mother and sister is bad for my heart. They were in the story too.
I must forgive completely. See Fred as a person who did not choose to be this way. He was not born this way. I know he was physically abused by his father, I believe he was sexually abused as well.
Without recovery, abuse turns into anger and sexual abuse.
Fred is a beloved Child of God. I have to forgive him to be happy. Everything I want for myself, I have to want for Fred.
My holding a grudge is harming ME, and it is harming Fred. Let it go. Surrender my right to be angry. Then I am also forgiven.
Ask for forgiveness for me. Ask for forgiveness for anything I did wrong in the past. Ask for forgiveness for my resentments. Ask if there is anything I need to forgive. It is a way of loving my family. It helps a little bit at a time, like layers of an onion.
Forgiveness is a vulnerability (not a bad thing).
Forgiveness is strong.
Forgiveness is Grace.
I can have compassion for Fred. I ask God to help me. “Show me how to forgive him.”
Every night for two weeks, I got down on my knees and said the forgiveness prayer.
Fred, I pray for you.
I ask God to give to you everything that I want for myself.
I ask for Fred’s health, prosperity and happiness.
Then I will be free.
Christ wants us to be One with Him. I want a loving relationship with my Creator.
But I can’t if I hold any resentments.
Feb 28, 2019
The voices in my head are getting more and more vicious recently. And don’t understand why. This morning while lying in bed trying to meditate, I begged for God to remove that voice, that character defect. I could not meditate. I could barely recite my Steps 3 and 7 prayers that I love. I could not get close to God in my heart because that vicious voice kept me from Him – blocked my way to Him. She just keeps calling me names and making me believe that I am not worthy of God’s Love. I can’t meditate because I am a failure. And I hate myself for that even more. The vicious cycle.
So, like every morning, I gave up and got up to start my day. Sad.
Then I watch an interview with 2 of Michael Jackson’s victims. Survivors like me. And one described how MJ groomed him. Both of them did. And I begin to cry. They each describe the proclaiming of love by the predator, which causes the innocent victim to feel the most intense love for him. The innocent touching of the head and hugging at first. Then, the teaching of masturbation. And I cry harder. My predator did that.
Then they each describe how the predator tells them, as the abuse gets to oral sex, how secrecy is so important – and I become them - how I can’t tell anyone – and not only do I agree with him, but I believe with my whole heart that this intense love that I feel would be taken away from me if I did tell anyone. Ever. I am those survivors.
And something clicks inside me. And I know – my pain – the vicious voice is because I HATE him so much for that. I don’t know if I am “carrying his shame” or “not accepting my life”.
But listening to those two survivors – I feel pure hatred for Frank and what he did to me. Hatred for Michael Jackson. Hatred for all sexual predators – because 30 years later, Frank is STILL affecting my life and my ability to love and be kind to myself.
It is like I was wired that way during the abuse, and the dark current has been going through those wires for so long! I see the wires and I see the dark current, and I think that I am re-wiring because I desperately want to love myself. But every night and every morning the dark current flows through the old wires. The voice is back again telling me the same message that it has for 30 years.
The suffering that I face now – the binging of TV, sweets and cigarettes – and the increase of severity (I have gained 12 pounds) – maybe it is because I am trying so hard to rewire myself – to think differently about myself – to love myself.
Because the darkness is blame of myself.
The last time I met with a friend, she told me that God loved me. That I am a Child of God worthy of His love, and I started crying. She asked me where the tears came from. Is this it? Do I believe her? How do I rewire???
Nobody promised life would be easy. Grab a cup of coffee, and we'll share the trials, tribulations and triumphs. Life's a little easier when you realize that others have gone before you.