Feb 28, 2019
The voices in my head are getting more and more vicious recently. And don’t understand why. This morning while lying in bed trying to meditate, I begged for God to remove that voice, that character defect. I could not meditate. I could barely recite my Steps 3 and 7 prayers that I love. I could not get close to God in my heart because that vicious voice kept me from Him – blocked my way to Him. She just keeps calling me names and making me believe that I am not worthy of God’s Love. I can’t meditate because I am a failure. And I hate myself for that even more. The vicious cycle.
So, like every morning, I gave up and got up to start my day. Sad.
Then I watch an interview with 2 of Michael Jackson’s victims. Survivors like me. And one described how MJ groomed him. Both of them did. And I begin to cry. They each describe the proclaiming of love by the predator, which causes the innocent victim to feel the most intense love for him. The innocent touching of the head and hugging at first. Then, the teaching of masturbation. And I cry harder. My predator did that.
Then they each describe how the predator tells them, as the abuse gets to oral sex, how secrecy is so important – and I become them - how I can’t tell anyone – and not only do I agree with him, but I believe with my whole heart that this intense love that I feel would be taken away from me if I did tell anyone. Ever. I am those survivors.
And something clicks inside me. And I know – my pain – the vicious voice is because I HATE him so much for that. I don’t know if I am “carrying his shame” or “not accepting my life”.
But listening to those two survivors – I feel pure hatred for Frank and what he did to me. Hatred for Michael Jackson. Hatred for all sexual predators – because 30 years later, Frank is STILL affecting my life and my ability to love and be kind to myself.
It is like I was wired that way during the abuse, and the dark current has been going through those wires for so long! I see the wires and I see the dark current, and I think that I am re-wiring because I desperately want to love myself. But every night and every morning the dark current flows through the old wires. The voice is back again telling me the same message that it has for 30 years.
The suffering that I face now – the binging of TV, sweets and cigarettes – and the increase of severity (I have gained 12 pounds) – maybe it is because I am trying so hard to rewire myself – to think differently about myself – to love myself.
Because the darkness is blame of myself.
The last time I met with a friend, she told me that God loved me. That I am a Child of God worthy of His love, and I started crying. She asked me where the tears came from. Is this it? Do I believe her? How do I rewire???
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