Do I Deserve It?

Do I deserve it?  “It” being anything.  Whoa.  Deserve is such a strong word.  I can feel that pit of black in my heart as well as a constriction in my throat just writing that question.  My brow furrows and the tears start to sting in the corners of my eyes.  The sinus cavities behind my nose start to burn and I know that if I look in the mirror, my nose will have turned a pale pink.  A different shade than the rest of my face.  Because whatever the “it” is, my immediate answer is “no”.

How?  After all the healing that I have done, how could the answer still be no?  How was my brain trained so completely that at the age of 50 I still feel so undeserving?  I know that there are so many answers to that question:  sexual abuse, emotional abuse, lack of parental praise, encouragement and validation. 

But, that was all from my childhood and teenage years.  And I have been working so hard at recovery and healing to change those brain pathways.  For the past four years!

. . . Oh, wait.  I know.  It was the decades of self-blame and shame that dug at that pathway.  Direct offspring from the abuse, but lasting ten times longer.  I guess that river must be filled in first, before the path can veer.  And that takes time and patience.  I will get there.  One day at a time.  Because deep down, I know that I deserve it ALL.