Della Barbato
  • Home
  • Books
    • Almost Della: From Sexual Abuse to Survivor
  • About
  • Blog
  • Media Room
  • Contact

Some days are hard and cold as dungeon floors.
Some days are the sun rays that permeate the cell to kiss our skin and spirit.

Do I Deserve It?

9/14/2017

5 Comments

 
Do I deserve it?  “It” being anything.  Whoa.  Deserve is such a strong word.  I can feel that pit of black in my heart as well as a constriction in my throat just writing that question.  My brow furrows and the tears start to sting in the corners of my eyes.  The sinus cavities behind my nose start to burn and I know that if I look in the mirror, my nose will have turned a pale pink.  A different shade than the rest of my face.  Because whatever the “it” is, my immediate answer is “no”.

How?  After all the healing that I have done, how could the answer still be no?  How was my brain trained so completely that at the age of 50 I still feel so undeserving?  I know that there are so many answers to that question:  sexual abuse, emotional abuse, lack of parental praise, encouragement and validation. 

But, that was all from my childhood and teenage years.  And I have been working so hard at recovery and healing to change those brain pathways.  For the past four years!

. . . Oh, wait.  I know.  It was the decades of self-blame and shame that dug at that pathway.  Direct offspring from the abuse, but lasting ten times longer.  I guess that river must be filled in first, before the path can veer.  And that takes time and patience.  I will get there.  One day at a time.  Because deep down, I know that I deserve it ALL.
5 Comments
Joann Willis
9/14/2017 18:45:21

You are so very right. We do deserve it all. I found healing through salvation. I've come a long way andI look forward to tomorrow now <3

Reply
Della Barbato link
9/15/2017 11:07:25

Thanks Joann. I definitely could not have done this without my Higher Power!

Reply
patsy
9/14/2017 19:33:01

Keep that thought!

Reply
Brian P.
9/15/2017 22:24:13

i can relate. But still can't bring myself to feel deserving. I don't know if the adverse experiences of my youth have caused this but I made so many bad decisions throughout my life that negatively impacted myself and others I don't know how to find my way out of the darkness. I do know that feeling deserving of the good in life is a positive way to live, but I don't know how to find it.

Reply
Della Barbato link
9/16/2017 17:15:06

Brian, in my experience, and what I share in my book, I had to talk to someone about my past and current difficulties. Only then can the power of shame be reduced. Know that you ARE a child of God. And we ALL matter on this planet.

Reply



Leave a Reply.

    Author Della Barbato smiling for blog readers.
    Della Barbato

    Author

    Nobody promised life would be easy. Grab a cup of coffee, and we'll share the trials, tribulations and triumphs. Life's a little easier when you realize that others have gone before you.

    Past Posts

    June 2020
    May 2020
    March 2020
    January 2020
    August 2019
    March 2019
    February 2018
    December 2017
    November 2017
    October 2017
    September 2017
    August 2017
    July 2017

    Categories

    All

    RSS Feed

Site Map

Home
Books by Della Barbato
About Della
Della's Blog
Press and Media Room
Contact Della Barbato
Copyright © 2017
Della Barbato
Hair and Photos of Della Barbato
​by Amy M. O'Brien

Follow Della on FB:

Find author Della Barbato on Facebook

Available Now

Almost Della, by author Della Barbato
  • Home
  • Books
    • Almost Della: From Sexual Abuse to Survivor
  • About
  • Blog
  • Media Room
  • Contact