Infuse with Enthusiasm

I almost drank alcohol last night.  I was judging myself…again.  Instead of judging my book by its quality, I judged it and me by the number of books that I sold at my first two events.  I barely broke even.  Plus, there is the added stress that I submitted my book to a Hay House contest, with a contract and $10,000 as the prize, and the winners are announced today.  I was consumed with fear that my book was not going to be a winner.  I had dollar signs in my eyeballs.  And I was going to drink over it. 

I had decided to drink.  But, at the last minute, I filled my tummy with food instead.  I called my sponsor.  I have the best sponsor in the world.  She asked me, “Why did you write this book?  Why did you sacrifice your career to become a starving artist?  Why have you worked so hard for the past year?”  I thought about it.  “To help other abuse survivors”.  She replied, “Don’t lose sight of that dream!  Don’t put a monetary amount on your work!  Don’t let the number of books sold define your dream!  Don’t let Hay House define your dream!”

And then I saw it.  I remembered that my family and friends already look up to me, just because I wrote a book.  And because I have the courage to tell my deepest, darkest secrets to the world so that I can help others that are in my shoes.  Since my writing process began, I have said that my courage is my treasure.  I sincerely want to abolish every ounce of shame living inside innocents, tearing them apart as it tore me apart for decades.  SO MANY of my friends and acquaintances have expressed that they are so very proud of me.  I can't lose sight of that.

Then I remembered:  recently, two of my closest friends have come to me for advice when they were going through a really tough time.  They trusted me.  I listened, and then I shared my experience.  I lifted them up.  And that love is worth more than gold!  That feeling in my heart is worth more money than the world has.  Then I remembered that I have already been invited to speak at the Women Creating Our Futures conference in January.   Opportunities will come!

I realized my sponsor was right.  I had become impatient.  I had temporarily lost sight of my dream.  I lost sight of the love that will come to me by helping others.  That is the real reward of my book.  I trust my Higher Power to take care of the rest.  I have faith that THIS is what I am supposed to be doing.  So, this morning, I asked my angels to infuse me with the enthusiasm I had when I started writing.  And it has returned.  I love my angels. 

I did not win that contest.  And I am feeling good.  I have faith, and I trust.  Thank you Pat, Sheila and Diane.