A Journal Entry from my First Book: ...Almost Della

Wednesday, November 17, 1993
     Geneva, Switzerland. Walked and shopped all day. It is pretty cold here, almost 1°C. Listened to lots of music, went to a Thai restaurant, but they did not serve Thai food. Bought salad fixins for dinner and ate them with rice at Diego's apt. Had a dry red with dinner. Diego gives me his bedroom while I am here, and he sleeps on the couch in the living room. His mother has a bed in there. I wanted to ask Diego so bad how he felt about making love in his room when his mother is home, but I was just too scared. I was sure he wanted it when he said, “Let’s go to your room.” We listened to more music and looked at books. Then he said he wanted to go to sleep. I am fairly certain that he saw the disappointment on my face, but I said nothing. He kissed me good night and left.
     I am unsure of my feelings, and confused. And, I am more unsure of his feelings. If I know that he is not the “one” for me, so why do I want him? My sexual appetite surprises me. I even got jealous when he introduced me to his friend, Maria, today. Grow up, Della. Diego is your friend. Sometimes--no, all the time--I wonder if he is growing tired of my company. My self-esteem has always been so low. Why?
     I told him once, “in many ways we are alike, but in some ways, you are more like I want to be. I worry too much about everything. You are so care-free. Can you change yourself without changing yourself?” He had no answer. Why do I feel like I have to be loved by everyone? Why is it so important that he like me? I used to think from his post cards that he sent to me in Texas that he was in love with me. Now I know, he is just a wonderful person who can share his feelings on paper. But not verbally. I told him once that sex would inevitably bring us closer. It did. I told him this also, that I love him more now than I ever have. He said nothing. My feelings may be back-firing. He cuts me down a lot more lately, “Come on, think” and “I know more about your country than you do” and “I told you…” What is happening? Fight back!
​     Don’t worry, be happy. Try not to lean on him.
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