My Fellow Survivors,
I truly feel like the world, with me in it, is changing.  In one month I will be in the mountains of New Mexico working on my new book.  I don't know exactly what it will look like, but I have faith that the Divine will speak through me to you.  I have divided my life into four stages:  Trauma (the abuse and following disrespectful relationships), Struggle, Clarity and Gift.  I believe I have finally reached the Gift phase.  This life is truly a Gift!  I am human, I will always struggle, but the upswings of my healing spiral are going so far into the clouds now.  Into the heavens.  How do I know this?  Because I wake up grateful to be alive and loving the whole world.  I feel my energy changing.  Every human being has a light within them.  And like the waves of sunlight, we all merge into one light.  We are all one.  My Gift is that I can see that.  More on the Gift later...

Gayle King interviews Sally Field
Sally Field was sexually abused by her stepfather.
Sally, “The abuse haunted and guided me throughout my life.  …  With a traumatic childhood, you are sorting it out your whole life long…My relationship with Burt [Reynolds] was extremely complicated.  It was just as complicated as my relationship with my stepfather.  I couldn’t see him, really, because I kept hearing my past.  Except he kept stepping right into the old footsteps that were left behind by my stepfather.”
Me:  Hearing Sally say that was enlightening.  I wasn’t the only one who had abusive relationships after being sexually abused.
Gayle, “So, how did you heal?”
Sally, “How do you ever know if you are healed?  I don’t know.  But I do know this, I don’t have a relationship with anyone.”
Me:  Another thing in common with me.
Gayle, “Would you like to?”
Sally, “I don’t know.  I distrust…I think that is probably the area of my life that I cannot heal.”
Gayle, “You distrust men?  Is that what you are saying?”
Sally, “Yeah, sure, absolutely.  And I distrust that I can remain myself.”
Gayle, “Is acting therapeutic for you?”
Sally, “Oh, I think acting has healed me in a lot of ways.  Each time it asks me to find something inside of myself that I did not want to know.  And to own those pieces of myself is freeing.”
Me:  I know I will find respectful love in a life partner eventually.  But I am enjoying getting to know myself right now.  I am enjoying uncovering all of the gifts I have and all of the love I hold for my fellow survivors.  I look forward to writing my second book just for them.
 

With our recommended solitude, many folks are lighting candles and even decorating with their Christmas lights to brighten their day.  Candles and lights allow us to access the light and cheer.  The miracle is that the darkness and fear of the virus allow us to create a shift in perception to light and love by bringing in candles and life.  The breakdown becomes the break through.  If we align thought with our potentiality of power, we can co-create a new reality with God.
That is it!  I must recreate the reality of my past!  I want so much to blame myself for my decades of pain and suffering – like I have my entire life.  To punish myself through my addictions and negative self-talk and criticism.  But the fall-apart is allowing me now to get out of my rut.  To go into the light.  To create the light!
This does not diminish my human experiences of heart break and pain.  They were real, but the regret is over.  I light a candle into my darkness!  I create a new reality.  Joy is not the opposite of sadness.  The fall apart is the doorway.  I embrace all of me, including my 14 heart breaks, into the journey of my soul!  The light and evergreen remind me that the darkness is only a temporary season.  The way out is through.  Each step was me walking on my journey.  My past is part of my journey!  Every single step and heart break!  Every ounce of pain and sadness.  Reverend Michael said, “The deepest dark is the place where grace is reborn.  Our perfection is not condition-based.”  The choices that I made in my past that led to darkness and pain are not deserving of punishment!  Just as my life achievements are not deserving of light and joy!  God intended for good through me.  Through my darkness.  Let it be revealed!

December 4, 2019
I have been falling down with my meditation and step homework (writing What did God do for me today that I could not have done for myself).  I am still binging junk food and Netflix at night, getting to bed late then getting up late so that I do not have time to meditate.  Repeat.
But last night I read my entry to my support group.  They seemed to relate to a lot of it.  I believe I am helping them telling them not to stuff their memories of their abuse and to give the anger and sadness space to feel them.  The only way to the other side is through, as they say.
One of them asked me if I thought it was common that survivors of sexual abuse are abused more than once.  I remembered what the book The Courage to Heal said, that it was.  I answered yes.  She asked my opinion on why.  I thought back to my abuse – why I went back to Fred over and over, then Dan, Roger, Leo, Dick and Jeff.  The intensity of the violent behavior and emotional abuse seemed to get worse over time, not better.  I kept going back to the men who were abusing me, especially Jeff.  Maybe to punish myself?  Then, I did the same with alcohol abuse.  And now I am binging junk food (I have gained 10 pounds) and always criticizing myself and full of self-blame for going back to men who were mistreating me and then finding another.  Am I punishing myself for my past?

“For me, subconsciously, I felt like I deserved it.  It didn’t occur to me that I deserved better.  That I deserved to be treated better.  So, maybe because of that, I attracted them.  And then I kept going back to them.” I answered to my fellow survivor.

That is it!  That is the key!  That is what I must forgive myself for!  God has helped me to see that my 14 heart breaks after Fred, my alcohol abuse and now my TV and junk food abuse is me trying to punish me.  Because I think I deserve it.  Because I am ashamed and feel unworthy.  God has made me aware that I kept going back to painful relationships because it never occurred to me that I deserved better treatment from a relationship.

My dream last night:  I am with a group of survivors at a retreat.  We all hold ourselves less worthy to some degree.  We are to go to a series of stations and do the activity or writing assignment at each one.  The tasks seem arduous and endless.  At some point, we must set up our bed.  I have completed several stations.  Then, I instinctively realize that we can skip the remaining stations, wherever we are, and graduate and go home if we just write an essay on why we are worthy and deserving!

The next morning, I thought, “Wow, that is powerful.  Will this stop my binging?  Will this stop my punishing myself.  I think about all of the wonderful achievements I have had in my life:  my successful career, travel, writing my book, etc.  I can’t wait to tell my group.

Then, it hits me:  My worthiness has nothing to do with my life achievements!  Why am I worthy and deserving of respect?  Just because I exist!  Because I am a child of God!  Because I love!  I can stop punishing myself, because I am Love!
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I release my punishment!  I surrender to Your will for me, God!  I think of the lyrics to a song we sang in choir, “I let the Spirit run my life.  My heart is open wide, yes, I’m only here for God.  No more struggle, no more strife.  With my faith I see the light.  I am free in the Spirit, yes I’m only here for God.”  I stop punishing myself with food and TV abuse.  I love myself just because I am!  I do not deserve punishment for my past mistakes, JUST AS I do not deserve love for my life achievements.
 

Judgement.  I have noticed this recently in myself.  And it leaves a darkness in my heart and a cloud over my spirit.  Judgements like, “Those back-up singers sound bad”, “We were told to bring cotton blankets, yours are fleece” and “You would get better if you moved into an assisted living community”, when I know that Mom wishes to stay in her home.

Why do I judge others?  I know the answer – it is as clear as the ten pounds of gained weight that I see on my body.  Because I judge myself for gaining those ten pounds too.  But those ten pounds are just the result of a much deeper judgement of myself.  And eating junk food to try to change the way I feel is just a symptom.  My judgement is rooted deep in my past.  My judgement started in my teen years.

My judgement began as shame.  Shame from a series of events that happened to me that I was told were my fault including parental abandonment and teenage sexual abuse by a trusted family friend twice my age.  My shame came from burying secrets so deep in my heart that I repressed the memories of the three years of abuse and emotional manipulation.  Until I got sober and began therapy six years ago.

That was just the beginning of a new kind of pain and suffering that has lasted six long years.  The pain of healing and recovery, because I was no longer covering up my deep feelings with alcohol.  The darkness of my past led to new crises called self-judgement and self-pity.  Why am I an alcoholic?  Why am I a victim of sexual abuse?  Why is my life the complete opposite of what it was supposed to be?  Why do I sometimes see my life as a failure?

But…maybe there is a silver lining in my box full of darkness.  Maybe the crises of my past and present have led to a new form of identity.  Maybe my willingness to get sober and heal the wounds from my past are a conduit to a transformation of my spirit.  Maybe the willingness to get help from other alcoholics through a 12-step program allows me to uncover my character defects.  Defects that are simply morphed mechanisms that I used to cope with the unbelievable shame and pain that my abuse caused, but that no longer serve me.  Maybe the courage to face the suffering I endure today is helping to develop tools that I can share with other survivors of sexual abuse. 

And maybe my deep wounds and willingness to heal them have led me much closer to my Higher Power, which has allowed me to feel the Divine within me.  The Divine that exists within all of us.  Seeking help from my Higher Power has awakened my Spirit, which was the catalyst that I needed to be able to let my past go.  And only after that letting go can I forgive myself, and gain the willingness to forgive my abuser.  Only after I learn how to love myself can I learn to love and forgive others.  And not find judgment in anyone, especially myself.  And believe me, it is a life-long process.  Only after my cup of love is overflowing can I take that extra love and happily give it to others.  Only then can I share my suffering and healing with my fellow survivors, which I believe is my life purpose.  And I am currently working on book #2.

So, maybe my brokenness has led to an awakening of my authentic self.  They are the cracks that have allowed the light to enter and bathe my heart in Divine Love.  The sunlight of the spirit that has pushed those dark clouds aside and allow clarity to shine.  I heard a song today by Laura Story whose lyrics inspired this blog.

"Blessings" by Laura Story

We pray for blessings, we pray for peace
Comfort for family, protection while we sleep
We pray for healing, for prosperity
We pray for Your mighty hand to ease our suffering
And all the while, You hear each spoken need
Yet love us way too much to give us lesser things

'Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know You're near
What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise

We pray for wisdom, Your voice to hear
We cry in anger when we cannot feel You near
We doubt Your goodness, we doubt Your love
As if every promise from Your word is not enough
And all the while, You hear each desperate plea
And long that we'd have faith to believe

'Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know You're near
What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise

When friends betray us
When darkness seems to win
We know the pain reminds this heart
That this is not
This is not our home
It's not our home

What if my greatest disappointments or the aching of this life
Is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can't satisfy
And what if trials of this life-
The rain, the storms, the hardest nights
Are Your mercies in disguise

March 1, 2019
Talking with my friend, Eileen about February 28 entry “Vicious Voice”. 
“Beautiful”, she says, “The Lord is doing his work with you.”  Huh?
My entry is about my awareness of my hatred and resentment towards Fred, my abuser.  And we all know that resentment is like drinking poison and waiting for the resented to suffer.  But he won’t suffer.  I will.
The first step is bringing it into the light.  That is why she said my entry is beautiful.  I wrote that I HATE Fred. 
God has given me awareness.  So that All may be One.  That is the solution. 
The next step is talking with someone about it.
She said that I am redirecting my hatred towards Fred . . . to me! 
Shining that hatred to him is shining it back to me.  That is my Vicious Voice.
It is discernment of Spirit.
By holding on to hatred for Fred, I am poisoning myself.  By judging him, I am judging myself.  If I hate Fred, then I hate myself. 
I cannot control hate.  I cannot control fear, blame or shame.  But I CAN control resentment.  And my resentments are not contributing to the solution.
And I CANNOT be completely happy, joyous and free until I forgive Fred. 
But that is so hard!  And I can say it, “I forgive you Fred”, but I don’t mean it.
As a teen, Fred was kind to me.  He told me that I was special.  He told me that he loved me. 
But it was NEVER love.  It was never a loving thing. 
I wrote in my book that if Fred had loved me, then he never would have laid one finger on me.  And that is true.
The entire purpose of our relationship was for him to abuse me.  That was his sexual addiction.
And now I am in pain.  35 years later.
“Pain is the mercy of God.”, Eileen said.  “It is not punishment.  Pain is the path to God.  Pleasure from addiction is punishment.  Everyone is suffering from the pains of growing up.”
Eileen says deciding to forgive Fred is forgiving. 
Pray for God to help me forgive him.  Ask God to help me.  Do it over and over.
Justified anger is still wrong.  It is wrong to blame history for how I am now.  It is not forgiving.  It harms me, and my family.  Not loving my mother and sister is bad for my heart.  They were in the story too.
I must forgive completely.  See Fred as a person who did not choose to be this way.  He was not born this way.  I know he was physically abused by his father, I believe he was sexually abused as well. 
​Without recovery, abuse turns into anger and sexual abuse.
Fred is a beloved Child of God.  I have to forgive him to be happy.  Everything I want for myself, I have to want for Fred.
My holding a grudge is harming ME, and it is harming Fred.  Let it go.  Surrender my right to be angry.  Then I am also forgiven.
Ask for forgiveness for me.  Ask for forgiveness for anything I did wrong in the past.  Ask for forgiveness for my resentments.  Ask if there is anything I need to forgive.  It is a way of loving my family.  It helps a little bit at a time, like layers of an onion.
Forgiveness is a vulnerability (not a bad thing).
Forgiveness is strong.
Forgiveness is Grace.
I can have compassion for Fred.  I ask God to help me.  “Show me how to forgive him.” 
Every night for two weeks, I got down on my knees and said the forgiveness prayer. 
Fred, I pray for you.
I ask God to give to you everything that I want for myself.
I ask for Fred’s health, prosperity and happiness.
Then I will be free.
 
Christ wants us to be One with Him.  I want a loving relationship with my Creator.
But I can’t if I hold any resentments. 

Feb 28, 2019
The voices in my head are getting more and more vicious recently.  And don’t understand why.  This morning while lying in bed trying to meditate, I begged for God to remove that voice, that character defect.  I could not meditate.  I could barely recite my Steps 3 and 7 prayers that I love.  I could not get close to God in my heart because that vicious voice kept me from Him – blocked my way to Him.  She just keeps calling me names and making me believe that I am not worthy of God’s Love.  I can’t meditate because I am a failure.  And I hate myself for that even more.  The vicious cycle.
So, like every morning, I gave up and got up to start my day.  Sad.
Then I watch an interview with 2 of Michael Jackson’s victims.  Survivors like me.  And one described how MJ groomed him.  Both of them did.  And I begin to cry.  They each describe the proclaiming of love by the predator, which causes the innocent victim to feel the most intense love for him.  The innocent touching of the head and hugging at first.  Then, the teaching of masturbation.  And I cry harder.  My predator did that.
Then they each describe how the predator tells them, as the abuse gets to oral sex, how secrecy is so important – and I become them - how I can’t tell anyone – and not only do I agree with him, but I believe with my whole heart that this intense love that I feel would be taken away from me if I did tell anyone.  Ever.  I am those survivors.
And something clicks inside me.  And I know – my pain – the vicious voice is because I HATE him so much for that.  I don’t know if I am “carrying his shame” or “not accepting my life”. 
But listening to those two survivors – I feel pure hatred for Frank and what he did to me.   Hatred for Michael Jackson.  Hatred for all sexual predators – because 30 years later, Frank is STILL affecting my life and my ability to love and be kind to myself. 
It is like I was wired that way during the abuse, and the dark current has been going through those wires for so long!  I see the wires and I see the dark current, and I think that I am re-wiring because I desperately want to love myself.  But every night and every morning the dark current flows through the old wires.  The voice is back again telling me the same message that it has for 30 years.
The suffering that I face now – the binging of TV, sweets and cigarettes – and the increase of severity (I have gained 12 pounds) – maybe it is because I am trying so hard to rewire myself – to think differently about myself – to love myself. 
Because the darkness is blame of myself.
The last time I met with a friend, she told me that God loved me.  That I am a Child of God worthy of His love, and I started crying.  She asked me where the tears came from.  Is this it?  Do I believe her?  How do I rewire???

​Today I reread some old entries in my current journal.  I am glad, they were big ones.  It is amazing to me how quickly I forget the progress I have made.  I also forgot my therapist’s words of admiration on our final visit about my courage to heal.  Of my determination to heal.  And, I forget my complete acknowledgement and validation from deep within me that what she said is true.  Funny how we can heal, then forget that we have healed and get back in to that same ole “not good enough” rut!

Or maybe, my progress is part of me now, and forgetting it on some days is okay.  Perhaps it is like two steps forward and one step back.  I am rebuilding.  My foundation is so much stronger now than it was four years ago when I began my recovery.  It is stronger now than even six months ago.
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But no matter what each day holds, throughout my healing path, my determination and courage to heal have been unwavering.  I remember my words, “My Courage is My Treasure”.  I have thought about using this for the title of my next book, as it will be about my healing journey.  My courage is truly a gift from God – but it is also a gift from me.

I almost drank alcohol last night.  I was judging myself…again.  Instead of judging my book by its quality, I judged it and me by the number of books that I sold at my first two events.  I barely broke even.  Plus, there is the added stress that I submitted my book to a Hay House contest, with a contract and $10,000 as the prize, and the winners are announced today.  I was consumed with fear that my book was not going to be a winner.  I had dollar signs in my eyeballs.  And I was going to drink over it. 

I had decided to drink.  But, at the last minute, I filled my tummy with food instead.  I called my sponsor.  I have the best sponsor in the world.  She asked me, “Why did you write this book?  Why did you sacrifice your career to become a starving artist?  Why have you worked so hard for the past year?”  I thought about it.  “To help other abuse survivors”.  She replied, “Don’t lose sight of that dream!  Don’t put a monetary amount on your work!  Don’t let the number of books sold define your dream!  Don’t let Hay House define your dream!”

And then I saw it.  I remembered that my family and friends already look up to me, just because I wrote a book.  And because I have the courage to tell my deepest, darkest secrets to the world so that I can help others that are in my shoes.  Since my writing process began, I have said that my courage is my treasure.  I sincerely want to abolish every ounce of shame living inside innocents, tearing them apart as it tore me apart for decades.  SO MANY of my friends and acquaintances have expressed that they are so very proud of me.  I can't lose sight of that.

Then I remembered:  recently, two of my closest friends have come to me for advice when they were going through a really tough time.  They trusted me.  I listened, and then I shared my experience.  I lifted them up.  And that love is worth more than gold!  That feeling in my heart is worth more money than the world has.  Then I remembered that I have already been invited to speak at the Women Creating Our Futures conference in January.   Opportunities will come!

I realized my sponsor was right.  I had become impatient.  I had temporarily lost sight of my dream.  I lost sight of the love that will come to me by helping others.  That is the real reward of my book.  I trust my Higher Power to take care of the rest.  I have faith that THIS is what I am supposed to be doing.  So, this morning, I asked my angels to infuse me with the enthusiasm I had when I started writing.  And it has returned.  I love my angels. 

I did not win that contest.  And I am feeling good.  I have faith, and I trust.  Thank you Pat, Sheila and Diane.